I went today to the local hiv clinic, to get results of my last blood draw. I've been feeling vaguley blah lately, and have been having a list of odd, not serious, issues. So today I was told that my cd4s are dangerously low and my viral load has jumped. OK...
But that goes against all the info that I'd previously been told. Like, oh- that my numbers looked good, my numbers don't move around much- that's what I've been hearing for the 4 years I've (periodically) been a patient there.
So of course, today I got the lecture about starting meds. I said no, being me, and explained that I'm not interested in them. I was asked why and cited deep personal beliefs. Asked just what those were, I basically said I'm more in tune with natural means of treatment. Meds maybe as a last resort, but not until I feel I've exhausted all other methods will I even CONSIDER them. And frankly, consider is about all I can imagine myself doing.
I've never known ANYONE on meds who hasn't had some really awful side-effects. Long-term. I'm not interested in that. Cuz heres' my major thang: I'm not afraid of death. But the idea of living for another 30 years chained to a chemical regimin and having side-effects the whole time does rather freak me out.
I'm trying to ensure a healhful quality of life. I just started yoga again after 3years away from it. I've been vegetarian for over 20 years, and eat predominantly organic. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. So when I hear the "you must start meds" jargon, I feel like "Fuck that! I need to keep a better sleep/wake schedule, exercise more, watch my sugar, meditate, and stop listening to the fearspeak of others!"
I know I may seem a bit "agro" . But I hope that here, in this tribe, I might be heard and hear in return some words of direction.
I'd really like to find a clinic that I felt was open to treating me as a patient, not as an hiv+ patient. Cuz I'm getting older, and yeah, I have some health concerns. I just get so frustrated that all my info is seen throught that one, narrow hiv-infused lens.
I feel often frustrated at my own ignorance. Surely if I knew the right info, I could frame my questions more aptly , and receive answers to them. But then I realize, I'm uncommonly eloquent and have a larger than average vocabulary. Shoudn't that be enough to facillitate understanding?
My care provider today bespoke a cut off number of cd4s below which, if mine dip, meds are strongly recommended. But what about all the previous info on me? What about my body's natural fluctuations and rythyms? What life influences right now may be affecting the graph that a handful of pills doesn't address?
I'm not willing to buy into the standard ideology of hiv+aids. I've not seen that happening in my life. I do see that I am currently having some issues, and feel like I'm on the outside of the secret handshake.
I was told by my care provider today that some of what she's prescribing for me today (an oral swish and some anit-biotics) will only treat symptoms. Well that's fine, cuz symptoms are what I have. But of what exactly? She didn't even test me for anything! Just wanted me to start hiv meds... That's what's so maddening to me. She's a kind, compassionate woman, one who has my best interest at heart. But I have a very different idea of what that means.
Ironically, tomorrow is the local AIDSWalk. I've planned to go and meet a friend (potential date-boy) and support the local hiv community. But I feel very torn. Of course, I want to support and assist anyone who is in need. I've been in need myself, and know something of how scary it can be. (Not to mention financially ruinous.) But the flip side is, I know my presence also will support the standard hiv+aids model and it's pogroms. How do I proceed? Do I absent myself from the event, and potenitally keep assistance from someone who needs it? Cuz I don't want to take from someone else the right to decide different treatments for themselves than I'd choose for me...
So I feel rather in a quandry, here. Your opinions on it are welcomed gratefuly! Glad to know this tribe is here, and I'm not alone. Cuz honestly, my beloved companion of 12 1/2 years, my dog Daksha, died last week. And today, in light of the interaction I had this morning, I feel very, very alone...
But that goes against all the info that I'd previously been told. Like, oh- that my numbers looked good, my numbers don't move around much- that's what I've been hearing for the 4 years I've (periodically) been a patient there.
So of course, today I got the lecture about starting meds. I said no, being me, and explained that I'm not interested in them. I was asked why and cited deep personal beliefs. Asked just what those were, I basically said I'm more in tune with natural means of treatment. Meds maybe as a last resort, but not until I feel I've exhausted all other methods will I even CONSIDER them. And frankly, consider is about all I can imagine myself doing.
I've never known ANYONE on meds who hasn't had some really awful side-effects. Long-term. I'm not interested in that. Cuz heres' my major thang: I'm not afraid of death. But the idea of living for another 30 years chained to a chemical regimin and having side-effects the whole time does rather freak me out.
I'm trying to ensure a healhful quality of life. I just started yoga again after 3years away from it. I've been vegetarian for over 20 years, and eat predominantly organic. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. So when I hear the "you must start meds" jargon, I feel like "Fuck that! I need to keep a better sleep/wake schedule, exercise more, watch my sugar, meditate, and stop listening to the fearspeak of others!"
I know I may seem a bit "agro" . But I hope that here, in this tribe, I might be heard and hear in return some words of direction.
I'd really like to find a clinic that I felt was open to treating me as a patient, not as an hiv+ patient. Cuz I'm getting older, and yeah, I have some health concerns. I just get so frustrated that all my info is seen throught that one, narrow hiv-infused lens.
I feel often frustrated at my own ignorance. Surely if I knew the right info, I could frame my questions more aptly , and receive answers to them. But then I realize, I'm uncommonly eloquent and have a larger than average vocabulary. Shoudn't that be enough to facillitate understanding?
My care provider today bespoke a cut off number of cd4s below which, if mine dip, meds are strongly recommended. But what about all the previous info on me? What about my body's natural fluctuations and rythyms? What life influences right now may be affecting the graph that a handful of pills doesn't address?
I'm not willing to buy into the standard ideology of hiv+aids. I've not seen that happening in my life. I do see that I am currently having some issues, and feel like I'm on the outside of the secret handshake.
I was told by my care provider today that some of what she's prescribing for me today (an oral swish and some anit-biotics) will only treat symptoms. Well that's fine, cuz symptoms are what I have. But of what exactly? She didn't even test me for anything! Just wanted me to start hiv meds... That's what's so maddening to me. She's a kind, compassionate woman, one who has my best interest at heart. But I have a very different idea of what that means.
Ironically, tomorrow is the local AIDSWalk. I've planned to go and meet a friend (potential date-boy) and support the local hiv community. But I feel very torn. Of course, I want to support and assist anyone who is in need. I've been in need myself, and know something of how scary it can be. (Not to mention financially ruinous.) But the flip side is, I know my presence also will support the standard hiv+aids model and it's pogroms. How do I proceed? Do I absent myself from the event, and potenitally keep assistance from someone who needs it? Cuz I don't want to take from someone else the right to decide different treatments for themselves than I'd choose for me...
So I feel rather in a quandry, here. Your opinions on it are welcomed gratefuly! Glad to know this tribe is here, and I'm not alone. Cuz honestly, my beloved companion of 12 1/2 years, my dog Daksha, died last week. And today, in light of the interaction I had this morning, I feel very, very alone...
posted by:
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Grand Rapids
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